I never thought that I
would sit here on this sun-filled day to write a Grief Letter to my family and
friends but here I sit.
Almost five months ago,
I suffered a devastating loss when I got home from a luncheon. I came home fully expecting to see that
smiling face of my beloved Barry. As I went
from room to room calling out to him, and not finding him, I could not imagine
where he was. Then I remembered that his back was
"killing" him that morning and that he was going to read. I saw that Lacey (my dog) was out in the yard
and Abby (a neighbor's dog was on the lanai) I figured Barry was outside
reading. I went out to find him calling
his name and looking around at neighbors' yards to see if I could find him but
he never answered my call. I walked further
out to see one of his feet and thought he was sitting down weeding. As I got closer, I saw him lying flat on his
back thinking what is he doing? I
actually asked that question aloud to him.
No answer came. I thought is he
trying to get some sun. It was a beautiful sunny day just like today. Weird
what goes through your mind but I had no reason to think he was dead. He was flat on his back and his, legs were
straight out, and his arms were straight at his sides as if he just decided to lie
down. I bent down and shook his arm
lightly and said honey but again, no answer.
I shook him harder and once again, no answer. It was then I looked into his eyes and I knew
my beloved Barry was gone. I screamed as
I never screamed before. Neighbors came
rushing over and some tried CPR but it was too late. He was gone.
I will never see him this side of heaven again. My heart was shattered.
I am still grieving the
loss of my beloved Barry and miss him terribly. After three and half months of agonizing
grief, I realized that I cannot do this grieving on my own. I need help.
A couple of friends recommend Grief Share. I found one that meets every Tuesday night
not far from my home. It has been a huge
blessing to me and it is through Grief Share and talking with my dear friends
who are like family to me, that I realized the need to write this letter to you.
As I walk this journey
of grieving I want you to know from time to time, I cry and I even sob
uncontrollably from time to time thinking when will this pain end. Will this overwhelming sense of loneliness ever
go away? Will my shattered heart ever
be whole again. These times have become
less and less and further apart now that time has passed. I am having more good days than bad
days. Even though the good days are
more frequent, does not mean that I am not grieving. I have come to realize through my Grief
Share meetings, that grieving will take months and perhaps even years to
recover from such this loss.
I have also come to
realize that through this time of grieving, I have made so many mistakes such
as being rude to people who are only trying to help. Please forgive me if you were one of those
recipients. My emotions are like a
roller coaster going full speed ahead, twisting around one corner only to plummet
down while they are twisting and turning upside down then the upward climb once
again. In all honesty, I cannot explain
this emotional roller coaster than I am now riding I just know that I am in the
front seat holding on with everything in me.
Oh, there are times when I lift my hands in praise and scream deep in my
spirit, "Thank You Father, You are here with me on the wildest ride of my
life, sitting right here with me."
One of the ways God is
with me is through you. I cannot begin
to tell you how much your love and friendship means to me. If there was any way for grieving to be more
bearable, then please know that your friendship and love has done exactly that
for me. I cannot thank you enough. I still need you probably more than I ever
let on. I need your friendship, I need
your love, and I need your understanding when I am not making sense. Please be patient with me. Please call me, text me, or email me. Do not wait for me to make the first move
because at times I am too overwhelmed in sadness. If you see me withdrawing, remind not
to. I need you to reach out me on a
regular basis even though it has been almost five months since my beloved Barry
walked into eternity. Please try to understand that my behavior is
normal for a person walking the road of grief.
It is not an excuse; it is reality. Keep praying for me that I will continue to
draw close to Lord each day holding His hand while I take this walk of grief
with Him.
Thank you for loving
me. Thank you for praying for me. You are a gift to me and a gift that I
treasure more than words can say.
I love you,
Janice
